Journal Entry: Mon May 12, 2014, 10:43 PM
So. Having graduated from undergrad a few days ago and now prepping
for grad school which starts in July, I'm forcing myself to face what I've
been dancing around for the past few years:
What is it that I actually want to do with my life?
It's something that I think all young people, especially creative young people,
struggle with at some point...but I'm having a very hard time. I've been
focusing on art for the better part of my life, but there's always been
something holding me back, another call that tears me away from my drawing
on sleepless nights or endless career searches...and that is, my love of
I am known for being constantly pulled in two directions in nearly every aspect
of my life, but this is the one I've not been able to work around...I love being on
stage, I love adapting a character and living through it, I so crave to be a part
of something as life-changing as the films and shows that have inspired me.
And that's the biggest part of this. I have, for my whole life, so badly wanted
to be a part of something bigger than myself...and I watch interviews and gag
reels from the things that I love and the family of actors involved with them,
and my heart aches...it's not that I want to be famous. I really don't want to
be famous. It's just that I'm feeling more and more that I just don't have the
juice to impact as an artist.
And that's all I'm looking for...even if for only one person, I want to make a
life-changing impact...and be a part of something. To have someone send me
a message on facebook or whatever we're all using in ten years saying
"______ has changed my life. Thank you." As I've done for so many writers
and musicians that I love.
It's funny, now as I'm writing this I'm aware of how it's coming across...it sounds like I'm begging for attention. But I'm really not...I'm craving belonging. Acceptance. Someone--a perfect stranger--to come up and say, "you're making a difference. What you're doing, it has purpose. It's going to stay."
I'm noticing that the more I indulge this feeling of needing to be appreciated, the more I'm getting in touch with a past life who has made their presence very clear over the past year or so. And I know that's where the performance comes in. When I'm acting, or singing, or on any sort of stage, I feel the most deep-down fulfillment because that is how I'm most connected to the past, which I so deeply long for. The chance in the spotlight that was deserved but never awarded. The appreciation that was never attained.
So my question is, is it healthy to dwell in the past? Is this simply a deeper part of me ready to unleash itself, or just a leftover shadow that just needs to be worked through? Or, possibly a calling for some greater purpose? Is there greater purpose? Or is everything we do simply done to be done, to write out some epic novel of future generations and to fill out its pages with drama and heartache and searching?
OR....am I just like everyone else? Grasping around for something great when the greatness died off ages ago? Searching for meaning in a world where the only meaning is financial security and a white picket fence? I have no interest in a white picket fence...sure, it would hold the mustang handsomely, but there's so much more to life than the standard. Am I crazy, or is everyone feeling this? This loss of meaning, and a need for recognition?
And THIS is why I don't sleep.